I was supposed to start my weight loss blog this weekend, which was supposed to be a subsection of our website, buuuuuuuut it didn’t happen.  I’ve been in plateau for 4 weeks.  It happened once before but I was able to get out of it pretty quickly.  This time it’s proving to be a little more difficult.  The worst part is that I kicked my own hind parts exercising this week and the scale didn’t budge.  I could barely walk for 3 days and NADA.  I took measurements last night and was surprised to see some progress there but it’s not quite the same.

The purpose of the new blog was to make myself more accountable to myself (psychotic, I know).  Point is, I didn’t do it…AND let me tell you why it feels great.  It’s something I just didn’t feel like doing and, so, I didn’t.  Sweet surrender, lol.  Maybe I’ll work on it later or maybe I’ll just say whatever I want here.  Anyway, I’ll give the plateau one more week before I cry.  ;)

This blog is a little different from most.  I wanted to write a little about my weight loss.  I’ve been at this now since July.  Everyday has been spent carefully documenting how many calories I consume and how many calories I burn with exercise.  With the exception of a vacation and a few holidays here and there, everything has been recorded on a website.  It takes a lot of time and dedication to do this, which has put a lot of things in my life on hold (i.e. continuing my Masters degree, learning the piano and sometimes even laundry).  To date I’ve lost 46 pounds.

As corny as it may sound, I’ve been referring to this whole ordeal as my weight loss journey.  For those of you who know me, you know that I’ve been overweight practically my whole life.  So for some, the weight loss journey is short and quick but for me, the end is nowhere near.  I have 84 more pounds to lose and given my current rate, it will take me about one more year to reach the finish line.  It’s slow and it’s grueling but I truly believe this is the ONLY way to get this weight off and keep it off.  This is a lifestyle change for me…not a fad diet or a quick fix but a set of mini-goals that will take lots of hard work to accomplish.  I truly believe that by making an investment this big (no pun intended…hehe), I can’t fail.I’ve had a million hurdles to jump during this journey.  First it was my diagnosis of high cholesterol, which out of embarassment I kept as a secret up until, well hmm, pretty much right now.  Then something happened with my ankle that makes exercise painful and it has yet to be diagnosed.  After primary care doctor and physical therapy, I’m now on to a specialist.  Still no one knows what the deal is.  Then there’s all the emotional stuff.  I struggled around the 20 pound loss mark with whether or not I deserve to be thin.  Then I quickly realized that being healthy is not something that one “deserves”.  I wondered whether or not I was losing my identity as I had always described myself as a “big beautiful woman.”  With the help of my husband, I disassociated weight and identity pretty quickly.  But all these things have tormented me and they have, at times, impeded the progress.  And I say once again…the reason why this weight is here is my fault and it surely didn’t get here over night.

Most people are just now starting to notice my weight loss, which has been motivating but it’s taken a lot of poundage reduction to get to this point…lol.  I’m sure that phrase is not a word but whatever.  I told my friend Tatiana the other day (it’s important that I preface with the fact that she is very skinny), anyway I told her that if she lost 10 pounds people would notice immediately but when I lost 10 pounds, no one noticed at all.  It’s similar to a mound of sand.  If there are 15 grains of sand and you take off 5, you notice a difference but if there are 1500 grains of sand and you take off 5, no one is the wiser.  You see my point now, huh?

Now for an excerpt from my fatsecret.com journal.  A little advertisement for those of you looking for some help losing some of those holiday pounds. 

I am oh, so proud of myself this week. I am 30 minutes away from getting my 4th workout of the week on. I FEEL so much better. My ankle hurts like hell but my energy levels are up and I am feeling very motivated. I just wrap that bad boy in an ace bandage and go on about my business. I have noticed that my appetite has increased slightly with all the exercise but I’ve been pretty good about staying close to my RDI each day. This morning as I was driving in to work thinking about my clothes, old pictures, how I feel, etc. I made a decision that I am no longer thinking of myself as a “big girl” anymore. Now, yes, I am definitely still a “chunky girl” but I am feeling good about myself and the way I look right now. I even stared in the mirror and wondered if I should stop here. Of course I’m not though. Because I remembered that my goal for this was never to look good, it was always to FEEL good and LIVE a long life. But the LOOK sure does feel good.

Thus I continue down my path. Why didn’t I travel sooner?

 Thank you ALL for all your support, patience and understanding (especially you, Ali).  You all make it so much easier.  It feels good to share.  It’s my personal project but the progress is not something I can hide.  I love you guys.

Remember me here?

45 Pounds Down

I know, I know…all I ever blog about is my kid.  So sue me!

My latest complaint – Quincy is getting too old too fast and I can’t keep up.  I was talking to my good friend Kathy Westberry today (she actually married Jose and I for those of you who don’t know), anyway, I was talking to her today and we were talking about our babies as we normally do.  She was telling me about all the cute things her kids used to say when they were younger and I was telling her about Quincy.  And we started talking about how we save all of these ridiculous things that are sentimental to us (e.g. the button that Quincy swallowed and subsequently pooped out, etc).  I started realizing that I have all these things but they aren’t very organized.  I started a scrapbook when he was a newborn and it only made it through his first bath but there are different things tucked all in the pages for me to SOMEDAY finish it.  Yeah, I need to do that like yesterday.  The pile is only getting bigger.

Anyway, it got me to thinking about last night when I put him to bed.  He was so tired and kind of cranky.  We did our usual bedtime routine, which happens every single night and is, without a doubt, the best quality time that we spend together on a regular basis.  Normally Jose comes along too but last night was kind of busy so it was just Quincy and I.  I read him the little golden book “The Story of Jesus” and then tucked him in and sang the 4 songs that we sing everynight:

• Alphabet song
• Twinkle, twinkle little star
• Papa’s song – “Los Cochinitos” or “The little piggies” in english (which is some weird song that I think Jose’s mom made up when he was a kid)
• Mama’s song – “You are my sunshine” (a song my grandma used to sing to me)

He asked for “sunshine” first and fell asleep before I could even get through it.  I sat for a few minutes on the floor next to his bed and stared at his facial features.  For a slight second, he looked almost as he did as a newborn.  He was curled up in the fetal position and in the darkness he even looked smaller.  I rubbed his back and wished that I could freeze this moment forever in time so that he would never grow older.  I wondered again how I could possibly love this little boy so much.  I wondered again if I could love my next child just as much.  Then amidst all my thinking something funny happened – he snored.  lol  And I giggled because I remembered that he can’t be a baby forever and I really don’t want him to.  That funny little moment would have never happened if he were still a tiny little baby.  And if that were true, I would never get to hear the sweet sound of “I wuv you, mama” or the fun we have with him trying to learn the art of the aim in potty training.  It is pretty fabulous, you know?

Now, about that scrapbook… 

4 weeks old

8 weeks old

Jose had a conference for work last week in Las Vegas and his boss invited me to go along.  We were so excited for months about this trip as it was kind of like a second honeymoon since we were going alone and were staying a few days after the conference.  Also not to mention – this was the second spot on my Top-10-Places-to-Visit-Before-I-Die list.  So we ventured off together, leaving Quincy behind with my sister.

As soon as we stepped off the plane, the first thing we saw was slot machines (big surprise, eh?).  Then on to Caesar’s Palace.  Jose, of course, didn’t want to sleep even though it was technically 6:30am our time.  So we roamed about the city for a while and found an awesome casino with a steak and eggs breakfast for $5.99.  Shortly after we walked like zombies back to our hotel room.

The first day in Vegas was pretty exciting.  I had two whole days to spend alone in the city.  I walked the entire length of the strip and back, getting lost in casinos all day long.  I did a few things for myself and did a little shopping.  Both days were about the same.  The slot machines were fun but at times I only stopped to play them because they were practically the only place to sit in the city, along with dinner tables and toilets.  The most exciting part of those two days were the following: 1) I could go where ever I wanted without compromising with anyone 2) no car seat in tow and 3) ME-TIME.

Together we did all the cool, touristy stuff like the Bellagio Fountains, the mini-Eiffel Tower, gondola rides, buffets, museums, shows, etc.  But by the time Thursday rolled around, we were running low on the savings we built up for the trip, which only made it worse because we kept convincing ourselves that if we spent just 5 more bucks, we could make more money to build up the vacation budget.  HA!  That, my friends, was dumb.  Don’t do this.  And so we were ready to get back to home sweet Jacksonville, where there are park benches, post offices, drug stores, and groceries and where there are NOT roulette tables, $40 a person buffets, dry skin, and guys on the street flicking business cards at you with naked women on them.

All in all, it was fun and I’m happy we did it.  But let me give you a word of advice – a week in Vegas is too long – 3 or 4 days would be just about right.  Unless, of course, you have plenty o’ cash to waste on gambling, hookers, shows, buffets and tipping.  In that case, ROCK ON!

Ah, Vegas, you were fun for a short time, my dear.  Fortunately we will never see each other again.  lol  ;)

As you know, the drama in my family never ends.  If you don’t know – between Jose and I, we could really write a series of novels, reality shows, and more just based on what goes on in our extended family.  And I promise they could seriously entertain/disgust/intrigue/outrage viewers for a lifetime.  So that’s my opening statement.

Tonight while Jose was in class, I put my baby boy to bed.  As I was singing the usual to him (“You are my Sunshine”), he drifted in and out of sleep.  I rubbed his unruly hair and soft skin for a while and I promised him out loud that I would never let “bad, bad things” happen to him.  Of course, I can’t protect him from the typical kid stuff like being teased in school or losing a friend, or whatever but I can certainly protect him from many of the things that I witnessed and struggled through as a child.

I contemplated that for a while.  Doesn’t every parent want to do this?  Isn’t it the goal of every parent to prevent or fix the things that went wrong in their childhood and to stop those patterns from being applied to their own family.  Well, if that’s true, by now, shouldn’t we all be perfect parents?  I mean man has been in existence for more than enough generations to have perfected it.  My God, how does this keep getting messed up.  Of course, this is all relative to my life.  It could be that you live in a completely normal family, at which point you are staring at the screen saying “wth is she talking about?”  If this applies, I would advise you to please comment and tell me how your life has been normal so that I can be sure to replicate that (I mean it when I tell you that I am NOT being sarcastic here).

Anyway, I am striving for a boring, normal life.  Oblivion is fine with me and I don’t mind explaining the gist of the really bad things in life to my son but I don’t want him to live and breathe them.  I don’t want him to know them first-hand.  Call me crazy, naive, whatever you wish.  I experienced some things as a child that many people will never experience in their whole lives.  And in some cases, it seems that there are constant reminders everywhere of those experiences – everyday almost.  Not trying to give the sob story but it’s the reality of why I have to find a way to make sure I never hear my son make that statement as an adult.  Not to mention all of the rest of the scary stuff that happens in the world (just look at Jose’s last post).  I really hope I don’t screw this up and become the mom that never lets her kids do anything.  But this fear can be paralyzing…

Being a parent is definitely the hardest job I’ve ever had.  Can I get a “amen” or what?